On Blessings

Smitty sneezes
Smitty, "Thank you... Oh, no one blessed me."

On The Upcoming Rapture

Me, "Are you ready for the world to end on Saturday?"
Smitty, "NO... The Bachelorette starts on MONDAY!"

On Facebook Pictures

Smitty, "Omg, sometimes when I go to facebook and on my page... my face scares me. Like, it's so big."

On Unsuccessful Dates

Smitty, "I mean he never called me back, and I wished ill will on him. But, God, not to be a meth head."

On Foreplay

Smitty, "I don't want anyone playing with my boobs for more than two minutes."

On Clothing

Smitty, "My pants are so tight that if I push out with my stomach, my zipper goes down."

On Her Pillows

Smitty, "These are so gross. It's all drool."